Behind the smiles - Sheffield Steelers' star opens up on depression and thoughts of suicide

He's the Steeler who loves mixing with Sheffield fans and plays the game with a smile on his face.
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But behind his joyful exterior, Justin Hodgman is a man who faces a daily battle against anxiety, depression and has even harboured thoughts of suicide.

Today he has decided to go public with his mental health issues, hoping people with similar problems will draw comfort.

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His experiences will surprise many - including some members of his own family.

Sheffield Steelers' Justin Hodgman kept his personal mental health issues hidden. Picture: Scott WigginsSheffield Steelers' Justin Hodgman kept his personal mental health issues hidden. Picture: Scott Wiggins
Sheffield Steelers' Justin Hodgman kept his personal mental health issues hidden. Picture: Scott Wiggins

But Hodgman wants to promote the message of reaching out for help - revealing how he shed tears in coach Aaron Fox' s office just a few weeks ago.

The 33-year-old Canadian has not held back in this exclusive interview. This is his story.

It was such a struggle to get up and be at the rink

"There have been many dark times. It's a daily struggle," he says.

Justin Hodgman says his suicidal thoughts began when he was in his early 20sJustin Hodgman says his suicidal thoughts began when he was in his early 20s
Justin Hodgman says his suicidal thoughts began when he was in his early 20s
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"My anxiety is often triggered now by uncertainties in life. When something has happened, things aren't going my way, then it's hard for me to see through how I am going to get through this. It can spiral quickly.

"It can be triggered by missing my kids, (living in America) negative comments online, bad play.

"I was in a slump in January, and at my darkest times combined with being away (from home) during the holidays I really was bad. It was such a struggle to get up and be at the rink.

"My teammates noticed it, Foxy brought me in for a meeting and I was completely honest with him. I even broke down in tears.

Justin Hodgman says the most important thing for people who have mental health issues is to find someone to talk to. Picture: Hayley RobertsJustin Hodgman says the most important thing for people who have mental health issues is to find someone to talk to. Picture: Hayley Roberts
Justin Hodgman says the most important thing for people who have mental health issues is to find someone to talk to. Picture: Hayley Roberts
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"He was great with me - he just said anything I needed just let him know. He even offered to give me some time off if needs be, even with all the injuries.

"It was incredible.

"Foxy was extremely understanding and I think it was the turn-around I needed, knowing he had my back and the messages of support from teammates makes me emotional now."

Suicidal thoughts began in his early 20s

The former Arizona Coyotes NHL player believes his mental issues started as a teenage ice hockey player.

"I was 18 or 19 years old, I felt down days and couldn't explain it.

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"At 22, I was in such a dark place. It was in Indiana and in a place in my life that I was suicidal, I could not block the thoughts.

"I'd been in therapy but just as an outpatient with sports therapist in Toronto. That had helped but I just was not happy in life and thoughts, unfortunately, of suicide crept in and scared the living daylights out of me.

"I had a daughter and wanted to do right by her and not leave this world so I checked myself into a 24-hour facility.

"Because of suicidal thoughts, I was under 24-hour surveillance.

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"It was eye-opening what I experienced, the level that I'd actually reached, it made me just want to better myself. I never had the action (planning a suicide) just the thoughts of it; that was scary enough."

The skater says his closest family will be aware of his struggles but added: "I don't think I've been completely open with everybody about checking into rehab, so that might come as a shock. But I have nothing to hide."

A much-travelled ice hockey player

Hodgman has been a hockey nomad.

And it was at his last, Covid-hit team, Ferencvárosi of Hungary, where he suffered some really bleak mindset moments.

"Being locked away in Budapest in a pandemic was a nightmare. I lived in the smallest apartment you can imagine and while it is a beautiful city I was unable to enjoy it during the lockdown. I missed the kids, (he has a daughter 12 and a son 10,) it was extremely difficult."

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A new chapter in his career opened up in Sheffield last September. That was the last time he has seen his children, other than over the web.

"Being away from kids is not ideal for any father; I'm dealing with daily struggles and not being able to come home and spend time with them.

"Thank God for technology, we FaceTime almost every day, I watch all their sports, which is great."

Retirement beckons and plans are in place to coach

Hodgman is likely to retire from playing at the end of this season and hopes to work as a coach back over the pond.

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"There's a good chance this is my last season. It's not 100% confirmed yet. But my mind and body have been sending me lots of signals that it may be time to hang 'em up.

"I have loved it in Sheffield. I wish I had played here longer, it has been extremely enjoyable, winning helps and it would be great if I could finish at a place I love and care for.

"I have had enough of being away. My mind and body are telling me it's time. I am hoping to find a completely different way of life, hoping to find clarity and happiness and more structure. That's the goal.

"I am not going to give myself false hope, that I am clear of anything because it is a daily battle and I just need to keep my head on straight.

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"I hope my story being out there will be therapeutic for me and help other people out as well."

Find someone to talk to

Hodgman has specific advice for anybody struggling with mental health.

"The biggest thing is finding somebody to talk to weekly," he said adding that it was "naive" to think of the problem being quickly eliminated.

But communicating has helped Justin, especially with mental health specialists. That and the prospect of a reunion with his youngsters.

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"My kids are what keep me alive - I don't know what I'd do without them.

"I have come a long way since the rehab, (Indiana) but I still have a long way to go. When you struggle with mental health, it is a constant work in progress."

If you are affected by Justin’s story, help is available from Samaritans – call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org