The Diary: Stuff Yorkshire Day - ‘let’s celebrate South Yorkshire Day’

North Notts Arena, Eastgate, Worksop.'Miners Strike 25th Anniversary party at North Notts Arena.'Picture: Former MP for Bassetlaw during the 1984 strike, Joe Ashton.
North Notts Arena, Eastgate, Worksop.'Miners Strike 25th Anniversary party at North Notts Arena.'Picture: Former MP for Bassetlaw during the 1984 strike, Joe Ashton.
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YORKSHIRE Day? It wants stopping. It’s nowt but a waste of time and there’s been nowt good on Leeds TV since that ferret bit Richard Whitely on Calendar, says Diary guest writer Joe Ashton.

Who needs Yorkshire? Sheffield can stand on its own.

We don’t mess about in Sheffield. Floods? We just get on working in our wellies.

Liberal Party Conferences? Panic, Panic, Panic. One million pounds to pay the police to protect Cleggie’s Softies from a few lads showing off like they do on any other normal game at Bramall Lane or Hillsborough.

Send all the Liberals to Harrogate and cut off their resolutions.

How many crap football teams has Leeds got? Only one. Same as Hull or Bradford. We have got two!

Policing in Sheffield? Leeds and Bradford spent five years looking for the Yorkshire Ripper. We found him as soon as he set foot in Broomhill.

No medals for that though. Just look at our Sheffield heritage and history.

Full Monty – a worldwide smash hit once our lads had got their kit off.

Rolling Stones? They played here in front of 53,000 spectators in Don Valley Stadium. Engelbert Humperdink? He were paid off at eight different clubs in Sheffield, including Dial House.

Politics? Neil Kinnock chucked away a whole General Election with one night’s daft whoopee yell at the Sheffield Arena and kept the Tories in for five more years. It could only happen in Sheffield.

That’s history that is.

Nowt like that ever happens in NorthYorkshire.

It is all Norah Batty and Emmerdale and Heartbeat and yawn, yawn, yawn.

By rights Yorkshire should end at Barnsley and Doncaster.

Who from Sheffield is worldwide famous?

Sean Bean, I was in the same class at school as Sean Bean’s mother and dad, Brian and Rita.

They don’t make any worldwide superstars like that in Leeds or York.

When we were kids and bombed out in Attercliffe, Sheffield, we used to sing “Old Hitler has only got one ball. The other is in the Leeds Town Hall. His mother can’t pawn the other or he’d have no cobblers at all.”

Never mind Hitler, Sean Bean could fight Napoleon and his gang any day and take time off (including his trousers) to chase Lady Chatterley through the woods.

Only Barnsley could fill the Royal Albert Hall and win the national championship for the film, Brassed Off with Pete Postlethwaite’s pit band playing the Rodrigo’s Concierto De Aranjuez.

All this, to say nowt of our world class snooker at the Crucible, our Supertram, our Meadowhall shopping, and even our pioneers of Real Ale at the Fat Cat, which is far in front of anything the Black Sheep shepherd boys can brew.

All Sheffield needs is enough flat land for an airport and there’s nowt else that’s worth having.

South Yorkshire universities are famous worldwide too.

Only last night I sat on the bus next to two Chinese women from the University and one said, “Oo washy wee? Washy wee him? Or washy wee ‘er sen?

That shows that Sheffield stretches across the world, never mind the rest of the county and we are not just famous for the Crucible and snooker.

They don’t worry about buffer girls and Arthur Scargill and snooker at the Crucible.

So let us opt out and save money by going it alone in South Yorkshire and set up a SOUTH YORKSHIRE DAY because nowt ever happens in the rest of it.

Let us have a South Yorkshire split into the four boroughs of Sheffield, Barnsley, Rotherham and Doncaster and break away from everywhere else just like Scotland, Wales and Ireland did.

All their council leaders have now got helicopters and every councillor has a chauffeur-driven Jaguar.

They don’t need airports. Why should we?