Skyscraper celebrities must be brought to heel

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Lord knows, not even the whole host of dukes, earls and sundry other male aristos who no doubt will have footed the dress bill, what catwalk of style the main aisle of Westminster Abbey will have become for Royal Wedding Day today.

But one thing’s a cert...

My money is on the fact that Victoria Beckham, who got a gilt-edged invitation to the do-to-end-all-dos because Hello! magazine says she’s the new modern royalty, will have tottered perilously over flagstones and tombstones of people nearly as famous as her to get to her seat.

In a pair of ridiculously high heels.

She always does, come what may – even carrying a baby.

Mrs Beckham is expecting her fourth child in a few months. Yet she’s clinging so hard to her hooker heels, she must be getting claw-toes to top those bunions.

And she’s not treading this seriously unwise path solo.

This week, actress Kate Hudson clomped off to an interview in New York with U.S. chat show king David Letterman wearing Empire State-sized heels and soles the thickness of a deli double-decker on rye.

It’s a maternity trend.

Hardly ever do you see an up-the-duff celebrity who is sensibly-shod. They step out, all bump and big, ugly shoes, thinking they look the bee’s knees.

They don’t. They look ridiculous. And vain.

While they are teetering away, trying to kid themselves that they still look sexy because they can still get their porn shoes on, they are risking not just their life and limb, but also their baby’s.

I know this because I was told it, in staunch, no-nonsense, ignore-me-at-your-peril terms by midwives 23 years ago.

Back in the Eighties, there was no way on earth you’d have got away with stalking into an ante-natal appointment in anything much higher than a K sandal from Clarks.

Neither would you want to.

Feeling fat and off-balance, waddling like a duck on feet swollen to the size of dinner plates, what madwoman could actually be bothered to stuff her sausage-toes into some high-arched, towering instrument of torture for even one teeny step?

If you don’t believe me, or you silly, goose-stepping goose girls think those midwives’ tales are myths, then let me assure you, it’s a scientific fact that high heels and pregnancy do not mix.

Just to prove it, I’ve Googled it for you. Here you go... “The ligaments that control the lower back are softened during pregnancy, so they are more at risk of being stretched and damaged. High heels alter your posture and put a strain on this already weakened area,” it says.

A website for mothers-to-be adds another hopefully sobering warning: when you’re carrying so much out front, your centre of gravity shifts again and again, it explains. And the bigger and more rounded you get, the more you are thrown off-balance.

Now, don’t you think it’s pretty dim to be sticking a strappy pair of stilettoes in to the mix? Fall and it’s not just you that could end up broken.

And if that’s still not enough to put you off your platforms, then start to panic about your shoes, dear.

You’ll either scuff them or stretch them beyond redemption.

And then what are you going to wear once you’re a yummy mummy?