“Forgetting my passport was the mistake that saved my life,” says Sheffield man

"People often don’t realise things are mounting up until it’s too late, and then it can feel like there’s no way out.”

Josh is speaking from firsthand experience.

In 2016, he was working 60-hour weeks in a stressful call centre job, and struggling to keep on top of his college studies.

He was also in an unhappy relationship, and – unbeknown to his family and friends – had mounting debts.

"I didn’t know I was depressed and anxious – I just thought I was unhappy, and in a mess,” explains the 25-year-old.

"I was existing on energy drinks to keep me going, and the only thing that made me feel good was buying things I couldn’t afford.

"I didn’t ask for help, because I thought it was up to me to figure it out.

"I just couldn’t see a way out.”

That’s when, Josh says, the suicidal thoughts first began.

"I began to feel there was no future for me,” he says.

Josh hatched a plan to take his own life that involved travelling abroad, so his family wouldn’t be faced with finding his body.

"I took out two payday loans and hopped on a train to Manchester with about £1,000 in cash, to get on a plane to Amsterdam,” he recalls.

"In my head, that was the best way to not burden the people I loved with my death.

"I didn’t turn up for work, booked the plane, and spent the rest of the day in a sort of emotionless haze.”

It was on the train that Josh realised he’d forgotten his passport.

He describes the realisation as a flick being switched.

“It was the mistake that saved my life,” he says.

"I don’t know what would have happened beyond that point if my plan wasn’t interrupted; maybe I would have changed my mind, or maybe I would have spent all my money in Amsterdam and become homeless.

“I’ll never know because, in that moment, I saw reason, and decided to call the one person I knew would crawl through fire and fury to help me, my mum.

"I didn’t go into detail, but I told her I’d freaked out and I didn’t know what I was doing.

"She hopped straight in her car to come and get me.”

On the way home, Josh’s mum asked if he was suicidal.

"I said no, something I still regret,” he says.

“I was ashamed, I didn’t want her to know how bad things had gotten.”

Josh had quit his call centre job, ended his relationship, got a debt relief order, and moved back home with his mum.

"I withdrew from life,” he explains.

"In my mind, I’d already died, there was nothing left for me, so I wasn’t going to make plans.

“I barely left the house, and cut all connection with my friends.”

Josh lived that way for the next two years.

The turning point came when, in early 2019, he stumbled across something online.

"I’d been reading about Sheffield’s Lord Mayor, Magic Magid, and found that he was a big supporter of Sheffield Mental Health Guide,” says Josh, of Stannington.

"I looked it up and found a bunch of activities for people with mental health issues, including Open Door Music, run by mental health charity, Sheffield Flourish.

"Music has always been a passion for me, and I played drums from a young age, though I stopped during my depression.

"After years of talking to nobody, I'd lost all my confidence, and was really nervous when I went along to my first session, but the people in that room welcomed me in.

"From the moment I sat down at the drum kit, I realised I still had something to offer.”

It turned out to be a pivotal moment for Josh.

As he got to know his new friends, he finally opened up about his struggles.

With the help of Sheffield Flourish, Josh found a traineeship and a placement, which helped him to refresh his skills, and build up his experience.

Shortly afterwards, he applied for his current job, as an improvement technician for South Yorkshire Fire & Rescue – a job he loves.

“It’s all down to Sheffield Flourish,” he explains.

"They boosted me up, gave me great references, and helped me rebuild a life I could be proud of.”

Today, Josh says he is a different person, and he understands what he needs to be happy and healthy – especially when lockdown struck back in March.

"I get up every morning and dress for work, even when my desk is in my bedroom,” he says.

"It helps me to switch on, and creates a boundary between work and home that’s easy to blur at the moment.

"I also get out walking, take vitamins, and meditate daily."

And Josh reveals that his life is constantly filled with moments – big and small – that make him grateful his plan to end his life failed.

"It can be the smallest thing, like watching the final episode of Game of Thrones, or enormous things, like getting to see my nephew grow up.”

And for anyone who currently feels today like Josh felt four years ago, he has one clear piece of advice.

“Whatever you are going through at the moment, it won’t feel this way forever, that’s a promise,” he says.

"I once heard someone say that your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility; you have to open the door and let help in.

"No matter how much you may feel as though you’ve reached the end, there’s always more to come.”

If you are struggling, call Sheffield Mental Health’s helpline, weekdays 9am to 5pm, on 0114 2737009, or The Samaritans 24 hours a day – 116123 for free from any landline or mobile.