Mums: Charity calls out abuse of Sheffield women and fights for them

This is where Mums In Need can help. The Sheffield charity was founded by Laura Riley and started as a website in 2013. It has since supported more than 200 women who have suffered from emotional and psychological abuse - also known as coercive control.

The charity, now based in Tinsley, is currently supporting 40 women and 71 children. It has a waiting list of 25 women with 45 children. There could be thousands more women who have yet to get in touch.

The battle is personal for Laura, a 42-year-old mum-of-one, whose own ordeal made her form the group. The trained nurse felt intimidated by her relationship at the age of 26. “I met a man who seemed kind, charming, funny and very caring, and I fell in love” she says.

"But then I became pregnant and cracks began to appear in the relationship. He manipulated our financial situation so that I was paying all the rent and he gradually started to isolate me from my friends and family.

"As the pregnancy progressed, my ex manipulated our relationship so I was to blame for everything that went wrong

"When my son arrived, I tried to play happy families, but his bullying began to escalate further. He took money from my son’s bank account and refused to replace it. I felt intimidated and scared on a daily basis.

"When my son was one and I stopped breastfeeding, he asked me to leave.

"At the beginning of the split, we set up an arrangement for our son almost immediately. Problems began within weeks. I would go to collect my son and he wouldn’t be home.

“He would switch his phone off and I wouldn’t know where my son was. Eventually, I told him I would keep my son with me until he could sort out his anger problems, and at this point he threatened me.

“I went to the police, but other than giving me a reference number, they didn’t take the matter further. An arduous legal battle ensued in which I found myself completely unsupported by the legal system.

"I felt I wasn’t listened to and that my child’s safety and emotional needs weren't being met. I felt completely alone and unsupported by the legal structures that were supposedly in place to protect me and my child.”

The case ran on and off from 2009 to 2015. It took its toll on her. Laura says: “To try and hold down a job during that period, working shifts, looking after people was a real challenge.”

“What happened to me drove me,” she says. “It was such an horrendous experience to go through, I just didn’t want other women to go through it alone and will do whatever I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

She is in a better place now, having been married to Anthony – who is also a trustee of Mums In Need - for eight years. Her son is 15 and is well supported.

Laura wants other women to get that support. “If the abuse isn’t stopped we are going to have a society of damaged families and children and I can’t let that happen.”

Controlling and coercive behaviour in relationships became a crime in 2015 and is punishable by up to five years in prison. It is defined as long-term controlling behaviour from partners, including bullying, degrading, gaslighting - tricking a person into doubting their sanity - and controlling someone's finances or alienating them from seeing friends or family.

Lauara says Mums In Need has a great deal of experience, knowledge, and understanding about emotional abuse in relationships and can help women navigate through the family justice system.

Since the pandemic, the charity has experienced a dramatic increase in service users and the waiting list is evidence of it. Unfortunately, these services are vital for many women and children within Sheffield communities.

“It is fantastic there’s a law on this so it is recognised,” says Laura, who now lives in Nether Edge. “But when you work with women going through it there is still not the acknowledgement there should be.

“There’s still a lot of work which needs to be done. It is the evidence and when you are in a controlling relationship you won’t necessarily have the witnesses you need. It is really hard to prove.”

Caseworker Zara Denby adds: “Once women have built up the courage to leave, they will see the male switch control to the children and it becomes a fight for contact. They are left wondering what’s happening to the children. It is not necessarily about prosecuting the man, but keeping the children safe.”

Laura adds: “Leaving is the beginning of where it escalates. I’m lucky I’ve got a supportive partner and am not going through it alone. We want to be strong partners for other women going through that process.”

She is hands on with the group but grateful to her team which numbers around 30 people including trustees, caseworkers and volunteers.

“I’m so grateful I’ve got such a great team and I couldn’t do this without them. Since having this team, I don’t have to do 70 or 80 hour weeks, I can have a more normal work/life balance. I’ll always be hands on but I don’t want it to be at the detriment of my mental health.

“We are driven, enthusiastic and want to see change. The team follows my vision and wants us to get there.”

Her work as a nurse helped. “I had my own caseload, had to develop support plans and I used that framework to set up this. I also did four years with the Care Quality Commission, helping inspectors. That has all helped with Mums In Need.”

Mums In Need grew steadily in its early years and the breakthrough came in 2016 with temporary premises, courtesy of City Taxis. In 2018, it became a registered charity and the legal recognition that it brings was a game changer.

“We started to grow and Covid really bumped that up. We were getting more referrals and had access to emergency Covid grants. Our services were impacted, domestic abuse was highlighted and so we were able to tap into support.”

Now they have a new base at Shepcote Lane, Tinsley, courtesy of Ideal Modular Homes. It means they can hold wellbeing sessions, offer counselling and the staff can finally meet face-to-face and thank their volunteers.

The work isn’t finished. To help more women, they need to strengthen their team and grow and develop. They need to raise £18,630 to appoint a team lead/operations manager to support their staff and volunteers and run Mums In Need’s day-to-day operations. They are also committed to establishing a finance lead and media and marketing team to drive those areas of change and to raise the money and shine a spotlight on the unique charity. So they launched a crowdfunder which got 80 supporters and hit almost a third of its target.

“It is the first one we’ve tried and we are pleased with what we got,” said Laura. “You’ve no idea if it will work but we tried our luck and will now aim to get the rest of the money from funding. We can now show we have goodwill.”

The charity can’t help everyone who approaches it and is currently having to turning away applications from outside South Yorkshire. The demand is huge so the ambition is to grow into a national charity.

Laura, who was nominated for Stylist's Remarkable Woman of the Year Award in 2019, says “The demand is huge. There are no other charities like Mums In Need elsewhere in the country because we are primarily run by women with lived experience of what they deal with. We have the nursing, the counselling and the professional experience - we have all been there as well.

“That makes us stand out. There are lots of helplines, ways of finding temporary accommodation, but we would love to take this nationwide and that’s our plan.

“When you see the growth we’ve had you know we’ve got a really good model and it can easily be replicated.”

Zara adds: “We are taking on a second caseworker and will increase the numbers we can deal with.”

That is likely to grow as many women have yet to get in touch. Zara says: “The problem for many women is when they are living in an abusive relationship you almost don’t recognise it.

“They want to call and when they do we can confirm that what they’re going through is not normal.”

Laura’s message to women suffering abuse is simple. “Get in touch as soon as you can. Sometimes we have women who were not sure and waited six months. That pushes them six months down the waiting list. Anyone thinking about getting in touch should do it.”

Visit the website https://www.mumsinneed.com/home or call the freephone helpline 0800 852 7414. To donate follow the JustGiving link on the website.