Shaun Says: If any of these things come to pass, it wasn’t my fault
As 2025 comes to its end and we prepare for 2026, I would normally look back at the old year and make some statements about the new.
So, in a complete volte face, I’m not going to do anything of the sort, it’s been done so many times and frankly, New Years Eve always makes me a bit sad and emotional.
So, instead, I’m going to play Mystic Meg, Derek Acorah and Nostradamus all in one!
In January, we’ll hear about all the New Years honours, once again I’ll be turning down the knighthood, the OBE, MBE and the CBE, they literally won’t stop pestering me! Gary Lineker however will be sent to the tower of London for being a decent human being and calling out genocide, Sir Keir Starmer will shockingly resign, and reveal that he now wishes to be referred to as Kimberly, and she’s off to become a showgirl in Las Vegas. The leadership battle will, surprisingly be fought by Wes Streeting, Rachel Reeves and in a shock move, Dermot O’Leary, that lad gets where water wouldn’t!
Dermot will romp home with a landslide victory and we’ll all have to wear bad sweaters and sing ‘Dirty Old Town’ as the new National Anthem, Kemi Badenoch will spontaneously combust, on the front bench in the middle of PMQs, when it’s revealed that she isn’t from Nigeria at all, but from Barnsley.
Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson will kiss and make up, then go off to a buddhist retreat in Macclesfield to contemplate their navels.
In Sport, Liverpool will go into administration and be relegated to the Sheffield and Meadowhall Sunday League, they’ll finish 4th .
Sheffield United will sack Chris Wilder, employ Arne Slot, who will then last five games before Sheffield United re-hire Chris Wilder. They’ll avoid relegation by goal difference.
Sheffield Wednesday will have an incredible unbeaten run, of fifteen games, and will finish the season on 4 points, League one beckons.
Rotherham, Barnsley, Chesterfield and Donny Rovers will all acquit themselves well, but will stay exactly where they are, in Rotherham, Barnsley, Doncaster and Chesterfield.
Jon Mclure of Reverend and the Makers will be made Secretary of state for culture, Jarvis Cocker will unleash the greatest album of a new genre of music, Techno Gregorian Chantrock. This album will go on to sell more than Rumours, Bat Out Of Hell, Queen Greatest Hits and Dark Side Of The Moon, combined.
Pete McKee will be commissioned to paint the official portrait of King Charles, but will be heavily criticized for picturing our monarch in a Wednesday shirt, with a pie and bottle of Henderson’s Relish replacing the Orb and Sceptre, However, he will be given a knighthood for services to Noel Gallagher.
Disclaimer: if any of these things come to pass, it wasn’t my fault. Happy New Year everyone!