Covid alert levels from medium to very high feel like Costa coffee is in charge of the names, says comedian

Normally, as a stand-up comedian, I’d be seeing you in a local club.

Thanks to the new restrictions I could only see you in there if I served you a large meal and didn’t make you laugh. One of those would be easy to achieve.

We were promised as system that would simplify the rules. Is that how you feel right now?

Are you fully versed in what you can no longer to in tier three?

Let me try to help. It’s a three-tier system. The lowest tier is called medium. I thought if something was medium it had to be between a bigger and a smaller thing.

If this Government were in charge of writing the Goldilocks story the first bear’s bed and porridge would have been good enough.

Having the lowest level called medium makes this feel like someone put Costa coffee in charge.

At the other end of the scale, is the highest tier. Is it called high? No. High is the medium one. Of course it is. The highest is called very high.

I presume they did this to scare the living daylights out of us.

If you call the lower level low people might relax. Then why stop there? Call the bottom level very high, the medium one really very high and the highest one ‘Aaarrgh!; That’ll keep all indoors.

Maybe the numbering system can help. In the number one position in this table of tiers is tier three. The third position is tier one.

Thankfully that means the second position is tier two, that is between to the two extremes, even though it’s not medium. That’s the lowestone.

This first tier has the same rules that were in place originally. They could have called it the ‘normal’ tier, but that would have been too easy.

We all want this virus gone but as we find out our liberties are being trimmed back it would be nice if we didn’t have to use a slide rule, a chart and a compass to work out what we are allowed to do.

Here’s hoping it helps us to get on top of this virus and I’ll see you in person at a local comedy club, so we can have a laugh about all this.