“Can I get? NO… it’s “Could I have”… your attention for a moment to discuss bugbears

There are so many things that people say that cause me to pause and wish that I could summon the infamous Tango Man would enter the scene and dole out the requisite punishment — not that anybody should condone such incidents, violence isn’t cool, and I should internalise any rage and channel it accordingly. Surely there couldn’t be anything worse, I mean it must be literally impossible? Then someone goes and spoils it all by starting a sentence with ‘literally’, instant leg sweep and as the culprit slowly arcs through the air before landing on the ground in a crumpled heap behind me (note, this is my imagination in full effect, figuratively not literally), I look ahead once more willing, no daring, someone to utter another phrase that will be the catalyst to cursive chuntering under ones breath… silence.

As I took in a full lungful of the delightful spring air, my thoughts cast back to the days when I was at school… ah, those were the days, breaktime, warm flapjacks and custard in the dinner hall. Nothing could spoil it, or so I thought, my ears twitched, ‘what on earth was that?’ and then I heard it again… ‘Swear down’, instant rage ensued, the once greatly enjoyed flapjack was now crushed under pressure of a furiously bent spoon (school cutlery was often quite cheap and malleable, definitely not Sheffield stainless steel), who said that and why would they say that in that context? Red mist, foggy vision and I scanned the room looking for the one who dared utter that. I saw her, ‘expelliarmus’ I whispered under my breath. Just like that, gone from existence and memory. There is one more thing that would often be used along the same lines that never failed to make me shudder, ‘oh my days’… and another singular word, ‘shame’, which was uttered with a swift motion of a singular finger (the index) from the forehead around the eyebrow and down the cheek. If you are at all familiar with such an utterance, I feel your pain. It never (ever) failed to make me internally rage, come to think of it, I’m reyt narked off thinking about it now.

And... here we are many years later, in the age of ‘text speak’, ‘emoji communications’ and acronyms for brevity, such as ‘lol’ – which should only ever be used ironically, sardonically or in such a wry manner as to clearly state that you hate that exact moment with every fibre of your being.

There are a number of phrases, actually let’s call them what they are, rage-inducing statements that people say daily that never fail to make us shudder. I know we’re in a highly senstive and (sometimes overly) negative world but sometimes we just need to vent and get things off our chest. It’s cathartic. I asked our community on Facebook and Twitter which sayings bothered people to no end, ‘bothered’ being the operative word here… and do you know what? It was actually fun, I greatly enjoyed reading your thoughts, musings, ventings and bruising comments. If you missed this wonderful thought exercise of exorcising the words or phrases that annoyed us all, why not check out the suggestions here on Facebook and here on Twitter too.

Trust me when I say this, my neck is still sore from nodding in approval through almost six thousand of the replies. Hopefully you all felt a little better after getting your feelings on the topic off your chest, I enjoyed it thoroughly. It’s just a bit of fun at the end of the day and hopefully doesn’t harm anyone.

One last thing though that really makes me yell into the ether… it’s this one that’s an almost apologetic precursor for being bigoted; “I’m not racist, but…” well shut the heck up then. Couldn’t have put it any better Ian Connelly. Perfect!

P.s. I tried to avoid (mis)using the word ‘like’, as Martyn Etches said; “The actual word is a great word but not when it's used 4 or 5 times in a single sentence.”