"Are you on mute? No, the baby has the Zoom controls"

“Are you on mute?” shouts grandma from her house in West Yorkshire to ours in Sheffield, as our faces on the Zoom call zoom in, then out, and back in again so fast everything is a blur.

We are never on mute. But now 11-month-old Emilia is definitely in charge of this conference call.

Forget colleagues subtly looking at their emails and meaningless jargon such as ‘let’s circle back’, when a baby is involved, callers are treated to being dragged across the carpet, put in the toy box, wet slobbery kisses and random animal noises interrupting any sensible conversation.

It’s quite astonishing how quickly babies get the hang of it though, she’s turned on iphone lighting settings that I didn’t even know existed with her tiny little fingertips. And she stole the show at a colleague’s retirement party, bouncing for Britain in the background.

I should say that as a parent to be I had no intention of ever letting my child look at any kind of screen – but that was before lockdown meant the only way she could see her sister in Blackpool, grandma, aunties and uncles was via the internet. And before I actually was a parent.

Friendships with other pal’s babies have been forged from 2m away in the park or when they have a competition to see who can shout loudest over their mums on the digital hangout. The strangest thing is she doesn’t know anything different, but must think this is how we all communicate outside of the family.

Plenty of baby classes have also been moving to online formats in an attempt to keep new mums and babies busy, and keep their businesses going.

You really haven’t lived until you’ve taken an online swimming class in your terraced house’s poky bathroom, with the phone perched precariously close to the water and a kicking, splashing little monkey in your arms.

We turned to Zoom on Christmas Day, ripping open gifts, and are planning an online rendition of Happy Birthday for family to take part in on her first birthday this month. I just hope none of her very first cake gets on the screen.