NIK BREAR: Why we should all know our places

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IN THE beginning, God created Man. Then God created Woman and everything worked better.

It’s common knowledge that if it weren’t for us ladies, the world would be littered with dirty socks that never make it to the laundry basket, piles of unopened mail and sinks full of takeaway dishes.

However, though it pains me to admit, there is another side to the story.

The other day, I found a screw in my tyre. Actually that’s a complete lie. That would suggest I’ve ever given the exterior of my car more than a fleeting glance as I hop in and out of it. No, it was in fact my dad that found the screw during one of his regular fatherly inspections.

“You need to put some air in that,” he said of my pitiful, flagging tyre. I nodded.

A week later he reminded me again, and again I promised to get it seen to immediately. Another week went by and finally he took my car keys from me with a sigh, drove my – now almost-illegal -to-drive – car to the garage, pumped it up, stuck a little petrol in for me, then drove it back and delivered the key back into my hand.

Now I’ll let you in on a little secret. I never had any intention of doing anything to my car. I’m ashamed to admit I was merely paying my dad lip service when I assured him I’d take care of it. Where does one even take a car to have a screw removed? I have no idea! I was perfectly happy knowing that eventually one of the men in my life would see to it.

I don’t expect this confession to make me popular. Do you think Destiny’s Child would have done as well if they’d bellowed: ‘All the women, who are independent... rope a guy in to pump up your tyres.’ I don’t think so.

After all, we’re now men’s equals in every way and can bring home our own bacon, thank you very much. But we can’t deny there are still areas where they have their uses... We don’t put oil in our cars. That’s a big one.

We don’t hang pictures, drill holes or put anything up in the loft. We also don’t like to take the bin out, catch spiders or tune a television if we can possibly help it.

And I firmly believe that anything that involves sawing of any description should not be attempted by a member of the female race.

Sexist? Well yes of course, but true nonetheless.

But don’t despair ladies, we have a few tricks of our own that make us invaluable too.

Firstly, we are the only ones who will ever change the bed sheets, are we not? Also do you really think their parents and siblings would ever receive birthday cards or gifts if we didn’t buy them, wrap them and sign their name to them?

And then of course, there’s the ace up our sleeve: multi-tasking. That’s right gentlemen, anything you can do we can do better – because we can do more than one thing at once!

This means we can rinse your bits of beard out of the bathroom sink after you’ve shaved and stack the dishwasher correctly whilst writing a birthday card to your Auntie Gert and planning what to have for dinner tonight.

All this while still finding time to nag you to put screenwash in the cars, hang the mirror in the hall and put those boxes up in the loft. What would you do without us?