More things that get on my wick

editorial image
0
Have your say

Due to popular demand from one little lad, here’s another selection of what gets on my wick.

I think I’ll kick of with the decimal weights system which has left myself and millions of other near retirement age people in a limbo of metres, kilos and grammes.

To me a meter is a device that measures flow. Kilos, is that a Greek island? And grammes is a collection of grandmas. I can’t help it but I still think in pounds and ounces and pounds shillings and pence.

Holidays, “where are you going for your holidays?” asks a friend, “oh we are just staying in England as per” so I return the question “ where are you going?” The friend replies “we are going to the Greek Islands” on their return “Oh, it was too hot”. It was too hot when you booked it so why go?

Vets, I was listening to Paulette Edwards on Radio Sheffield recently and she related about taking her cat to the vet to have a tooth removed.

Job done, the vet advises her to brush the cat’s teeth at least twice a week! Just how do you brush a cat’s teeth? Do you put its neck in a vice, force its mouth agape with a mini jack and brush away?

These vets are laughing all the way to the bank. I wonder who brushes the big cats’ teeth in Africa? I don’t think there’s a waiting list for that job.

Memories, I can remember our first night away from home together, does anyone remember the Sleep Shop in the square?

Well we went there one afternoon and the assistant told us to look round, try a bed and relax. Well we did, but we fell asleep and we were locked in all night. We were woken up the next morning with a cup of tea and a biscuit followed by a swift boot up our Barnsley Moon!

I recently had call to buy some new trainers because of my constant hectic training schedule. I go through trainers like Mr Sorsby’s doctors appointments, so I chose JD Sports for my purchase.

As soon as I walked in the door I turned on my heels and left quicker than I entered, bloody music blaring out, why? If I want to listen to music I’ll listen to my crystal set at home.

Having left that shop, I set off up Pinstone Street only to see a bloke carrying a Yorkshire terrier,

I thought “ have they bred away the ability of these dogs to walk?” as you very rarely see them walking, but if they have lost the walking ability you can’t very well take them out for a drag can you?

On the subject of dogs, it’s not very often you see what I call normal dogs, you are not ’ard unless you have a dog that looks ’ard too. The chains the owners use to restrain these beasts have to be seen to be believed.

Phrases and actions from across the pond that the feeble-minded have embraced are many, “I can’t get my head round it” round what, the corner?

I’m having a beer and we are going to chill out. What’s that all about? Surely it’s I’m going to have a drink and relax.

Next wick tickler is these high fives. Surely a simple handshake would suffice. If anyone asked me for a high five I’d just screech “five” in a falsetto voice.

I suppose many readers will have seen and endured this next moan, kids on buses who are let loose upstairs without supervision.

These kids are usually under six, while mother sits downstairs with her eyes glued to her account on Facebook totally oblivious of the danger the children may be in, if the driver brakes sharply and a child is thrown of the front window sill.

It’s the driver who will get the blame.

While I’m on the subject of the buses, the rubbish that’s left behind by passengers and children is extraordinary, just why can’t they take it home with them?

Having mentioned Facebook, why do people want to bare their whole life to everybody via this media site. “I’ve got a spot on my bum”, Ronnie & Muriel like this!

Can’t understand this rapping or rap, it seems the letter C has been left off.

You can’t whistle it and you can’t whistle any of the music today and the singers leave a lot to be desired when asked to sing live. Not all of them are bad but the majority, yes.

The constant comeback tours of people who won’t see 60 again, I only have one thing to say to them “you’re past it luv” give us a break, retire gracefully, don’t inflict your failing voice on us.

While I’m on about today’s music, who could forget the lyrics from a 1940s song which goes as follows? “Mareseatoatsandlambseatoatsandlittlelambseativy, akidileativytoowouldntyou”.Brilliant, you don’t get songs like that now.

Menus, these really and truly get my goat and on my wick, the constant flow of these unwanted, unrequested bills of fare from the abundance of second-rate Indian, Chinese, burger and kebab outlets.

If I want one I’ll contact you for one. I don’t like all the food you purvey, the smell puts me off. I don’t want flyers about loans, or about my impending funeral. “Do you really want your family to be left with having to pay for your funeral?” well yes, in fact they could order a skip and just ease me in it, I won’t mind at all.

I don’t mind shopping but not at Meadowhall, the killer of the town. How anyone can go there more than twice is beyond me and I know people love it but I don’t, it’s just a huge clothes-selling building.

Jayden asks” what you bought babe?” Kylie answers” I’ve bought some really good stuff, some Calvin Klein under crackers for you and a Lacoste shirt for our little Dallas”. The obsession with designer labels by people is crazy, they are just clothes, you either like them or you don’t.

The last things for rant No2 is women and I suppose men too, believing the claims of adverts of body lotions, shampoos and such, “rub Dove lotion into your skin to make you more adorable”.

Your skin’s dead, it’s only the subsurface that’s alive, and how come you never see any large ugly women or men in these adverts?

Mind you, you don’t see them in any of the soaps either, and in all the American TV series that are imported you will never see, a fat, ugly, person, even the extras are beautiful even the homeless.

Shampoos, “bring lifeless hair back to its glowing best”. Again rubbish, I’ve never used shampoo in my life, I use ordinary tablet soap and people come from far and wide just to see my magnificent flowing locks.

You should see the melee in my barbers when I get my tresses cut, people scrambling to just get a tuft of perfection.

Windows, just why don’t people clean their windows or draw their curtains back, somebody stop me, stop me, open the cage.

Vin Malone

by email