AGONY AUNT: Should I contact my old flame?

Q: Although I am happily married, I can't get an old flame out of my mind. She was never reliable and didn't want to get married. '¨When I started dating my now-wife, I deleted all contacts with my exes. That's 10 years ago. '¨Now we're settled, I cant help but think back to old times and wonder how she's doing, has she married? Is she happy? If she's still alive even? My wife is great with the kids and home but I just don't feel the same as I used to about her. '¨I feel guilty as I'd be gutted if my wife started to look for old boyfriends on Facebook. '¨Is it just a middle aged crisis or should I contact my ex? Should I tell my wife?

A: I think it’s normal in a marriage to start to take each other for granted after a few years but that doesn’t mean that you should start comparing things to previous dating.  If you really want to know that your ex is ok, then please ensure that it is for platonic reasons only. It doesn’t sound like it is.  Why just that one ex? Was she the one that got away? If it had been meant to be it would have happened at the time. Why did it end? Think about the reasons that you chose your wife. Although excitement and unpredictability can be appealing it can also be ultimately tiresome, annoying and lead to insecurity.  A woman who is loyal, funny, intelligent, wants to work as a team and has strong morals is much preferable.  Crazy may be sexy in your twenties but it can easily get old in time.  If you do get to contact your ex, what are you hoping to hear? Would you be happy sharing the messages with your wife? If not, why not? What if your ex offers to meet up? Would you meet in secret?  It’s very easy to drop straight back into flirty banter, it’s a fast track to flattery, maybe that you’re not getting at home at the moment.  Any diversion from your marriage detracts from the attention that you should be giving eachother. Your wife may have been sidetracked with normal everyday life but would no doubt enjoy a reminder of the relationship that you share.  If you feel that she doesn’t value her appearance anymore maybe you could offer to help out and arrange some pampering treatments.

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