Good God Godders, you’re not average

Vote Godders: less than five per cent of us did
Vote Godders: less than five per cent of us did
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God bless Godfrey Bloom of the UK Independence Party. Now, here’s a man with his jib cut exactly the way I like it.

Some people – those liberals and lefties – may consider it distasteful to call an offensive, sexist, borderline bigot a national treasure. But, as the Yorkshire Euro MP himself might put it, those people are ‘fxxxxxg dingbats’.

Personally I don’t think you can knock a man who once walked into the European Parliament, half cut after an afternoon enjoying the Brussels hospitality, and part-shouted-part-slurred at the attendant members that they were “a Mickey Mouse assembly” before being, er, assisted out of the chamber by an intern. I’m also full of admiration for how he once dealt with accusations of groping a student: “I’m a tactile man,” he said. “But I’m not a groper. And if I was going to start I’d have chosen someone better than that.”

That’s before you even get onto this summer’s highlights. Demanding David Cameron cut aid to “Bongo Bongo Land” was a real pearler. As was his follow-up act of noting women have a predisposed talent for finding mustard in a pantry.


What a cad. What a card. What a lovable old right-wing rogue. He should bring out a Chairman Mao-like book of philosophy, offering wisdom on everything from David Cameron (“the sort of chap I used to beat up”) to female rights (“they don’t clean behind the fridge enough”).

My only issue, though, is when he says something like: ‘I’m just saying what the average man thinks’.

Woah there, Godders. W-o-a-h right there. I love you almost as much as I love Alan Partridge but, come now, you do not speak for the average man. You do not speak for me or the people I know. You barely even speak for your electorate – less than five per cent of us voted you in.

You – a retired London investment manager living in a seven-figure cottage – may think most men still guffaw at 19th century phrases like Bongo Bongo Land. But you underestimate us, down here in the real pubs and cricket clubs of Average Land. You do us a disservice.

For this is 2013, Godders, and people largely see you for what you are: a rather unpleasant chap who says ‘speaking common sense’ as code for ‘being offensive and pejorative’. A man who claims he is vilified when he is the vilifier – spreading small-minded views on everything from immigration (they take our jobs) to the NHS (charge for it). So, allow me to speak ‘common sense’ here: you’re a belting jester but, as politicians go, you’re a buffoon and an embarrassment to the average man.