Retired Sheffield sports teacher writes laugh out loud book – but it’s not for the squeamish

A retired Sheffield sports teacher has written a laugh-out-loud account of her 37 years teaching the city’s teens
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Maxine Blake, known by her students at Longley park Sixth Form College as “The Terminator” has just published her book Don’t Poo in The Pudding Bowl!

As the title suggest’s its a no holds barred account and certainly not for the squeamish.

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Have you ever considered what your teacher really thought about you? Or what really happens on school trips?

Sheffield author and former teacher Maxine BlakeSheffield author and former teacher Maxine Blake
Sheffield author and former teacher Maxine Blake

Ever wondered how teachers handle the classroom brawls or petty squabbles?

Or how they politely tell that one student that they smell BAD

Using 34 real-life stories from her years of teaching the teens of Sheffield, Maxine Blake reveals exactly what happens behind the school doors.

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The intriguing title is taken from an incident from her very first days of Maxine’s teaching career at a Sheffield school, which will remain nameless.

Maxine explained: "It’s unfortunately literal – back in my very first days as a teacher in the early 80s when I was teaching cookery as a second subject

We had this spate of what we entitled the “Phantom crapper”. Someone was doing it all around the school – the head said the culprit needed psychological help. We were all thinking Oh God where is it going to happen next time.

“A girl ran into my class. She had looked in a cupboard and found the bowl and shoved it under my nose.

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“I didn't want to attract any attention so I took it to the head of needlework and she said:"is it steaming?" – NOT the right answer.

"I then took it to the head of department and she said: "Well we can wash it out"

"I thought: some unknown kid is going to cook something in that, take it home and their parent is going to eat it...."

"So I took it off her, ran down the corridor to the headmaster's office, put it on his desk and walked out."

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"We had a few stories like that and that girl features quite a bit in my book."

"I'm still in contact with several pupils from that school in 1983 and straight away they get onto the subject of the phantom crapper."

The education system was different in the 1980s - Maine describes some of her teaching jobs as "getting danger money."

Her lecturer at Sheffield Polytechnic told her if she got the job at that particular notorious school it would put her off teaching for life .

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"I was in for a challenge," she says. I had no idea what sort of a challenge I was in for. But I managed 37 years."

The titles of other chapters leave little to the imagination; including Farting Pigeons, Why is it always about the penis? and The Mother/Daughter Prostitutes (and their Minders).

"Some of the things I write about were in the 80s and probably couldn’t happen now. Health and safety is certainly a lot stricter. They were different times.” Maxine adds.

She says former pupils who have read the book certainly recognise themselves.

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“Many of the pupils are in their 50s now – I told them they were in it and asked if they minded and they said “No just spell my name right.” I’ve tweaked names a little bit but most of them whose first names are in there are really quite happy.”

Maxine taught for several years at a college in an affluent part of Northampton. Even there the perennial theme of personal hygiene rears up again with a tale about how she managed to educate a particularly pungent pupil who smelled like “something had died in the room.”

Being a black female teacher in a mainly white working class school in the 1980s she says was “challenging”.

"You have to have a presence and because it’s sport I tended to teach mostly boys.

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“It’s generally about how we got on. A lot of them I’m still talking to and some became close friends.“Some have said 30 years later; “I remember you and if it wasn’t for what you did for me at college I wouldn’t be where I am today. That to me is a nice fuzzy warm feeling.”

"I had to think how am I going to manage this. I had to crack hardest nut by putting lots of thing on and making sure they knew I was just me doing the extra mile. The relationship was built up much quicker when there were black kids there. Some looked at me and said if you can do it I can do it too.”

"One of them who is now on the West End stage came up to me and said :”You don’t know what it meant to me, you being at school as a mentor. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be where I am today. ”

She said she came up with the idea for the book from her family’s reaction to her tales of school life.

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“I’d come home ever day and talk to my husband, saying ‘guess what happened today’ and ‘guess what happened next’- and he would say: “You need to write it own,” says Maxine.

" I said why? it happens to everybody and he said: “ No it’s just you – it’s funny and you need to tell everyone.” So I started to write stuff down .

" I retired from Longley because I wanted to travel,” adds Maxine.

" I was putting the book on the back burner and writing things down as I remembered them. I thought well I’m travelling in my mind, I might as well get the book writing and get it out there. Particularly with things as they are people need a bit of humour at this time of year don’t they?”

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