'Devastated' Sheffield singer faces losing her voice after tonsil cancer diagnosis
Musician and vocal coach Sarah Jay Hawley says she is still in shock after learning her cancer treatment may permanently change or destroy her voice.
Sarah has been diagnosed with tonsil cancer and is beginning an intense course of treatment that could affect her ability to sing and work.
“Can’t believe it, it’s bloody bonkers,” she said of her diagnosis.
The 57-year-old, who lives in Hunters Bar, said the diagnosis has been more than a medical challenge.
Over the past 10 years she has also faced a stroke, breast cancer and a car crash but she says this is more than an illness - it has taken her identity.
“This is so hard because it’s not just an illness for me, it’s an identity shift,” she explained.
“My whole life relies on my voice and voice work, I am a teacher, a singer, everything I do - and have always done - relies on my voice.”
She described the emotional impact: “I’m devastated: the shock waves are still coming in, but I’m holding all my strength and reserves on recovery.”
Doctors have warned that her voice may be permanently affected.
“They don’t know if I will come out of this with a voice, they say everyone is different. If I do have a voice, it may sound completely different but I will deal with it when I get there,” she said.
Sarah is coping through mindfulness, meditation and breathwork.
“I deal with a lot of this through mindfulness and meditation. Breathwork helps me a lot—cutting racing thoughts, stopping and pausing, taking control of the moments,” she said.
She explained that she first realised something was wrong when she found a lump on her neck, which doctors assumed was a swollen gland.
After multiple appointments, which started all the way back in June - Sarah starts her chemotherapy this week.
Uncertainty about her voice has prompted her to record music while she can.
“I don’t know what kind of voice I’ll end up with, so I set up a recording of ‘Wish You Were Here’—as I might lose my voice after that,” she said.
“After my stroke I lost my memory and couldn’t read, but music lights me up. Through song I started remembering things and where I was at the time.”
Sarah has spent 10 years writing her memoir Zen, Drugs ’n’ Rock ’n’ Roll and continues to write as a way to process her illness.
She said that though this experience has been gut wrenching, it has also shown her the power of the friendships around her.
“The love and kindness I’ve been given since has been overwhelming,” she said.
“I have to go into hospital every day for seven weeks, but in between, my calendar is literally full with people coming to see me - it’s a tsunami of love that I didn’t even know existed.”
Sarah, a “stoically independent single woman,” said the experience has taught her to accept help.
“It’s been profound, I never knew I was loved that much,” she said.
To support herself during treatment and recovery, Sarah, who is a mum and foster mum, has launched a fundraising campaign with a target of £11,000 which can be accessed here.
So far, she has raised £5,819.
“I need the money for basic living costs and to afford good quality food that helps the body—the amount you get on benefits is just to scrape the breadline,” she explained.
As a creative person, she has to found another outlet to express herself - writing, which is available to read on her Substack.
She said she hopes that those who are going through illness alone, may be able to find comfort in reading about someone else going through something similar.
Sarah has also made her Bandcamp music available for free and will share updates and excerpts from her memoir on Substack.
“I know from too much personal experience that healing is creative, and creativity is healing,” she said.