Tom’s just not my cup of tea...

DIVORCE: Katie has filed for divorce after five years with Tom
DIVORCE: Katie has filed for divorce after five years with Tom
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SOMETHING about Tom Cruise has always bugged me.

I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but while Brad, George and Keifer have all enjoyed their time at the top of my celeb crush list, Tom has never even come close to making the cut.

Now I’m not denying that he’s a good looking chap in his own sparkly-eyed, floppy-haired, brooding kind of way, but his was never one of the posters I had Blu-tacked to my bedroom wall.

First of all, there’s his height. I don’t wish to be considered height-ist, but I’m just not comfortable with a leading man who needs assistance reaching items from the top shelf of the supermarket.

He might be kind of handsome, but I dearly love my high heels and if the choice was between walking down the red carpet with him on my arm, or a pair of nude Kurt Geiger’s on my feet, fashion would win out every time. Especially given his habit of spending two or three hours before a premiere signing autographs and chatting to all the fans who’ve come to see him. Don’t get me wrong - beautiful gesture. And as one of those fans, I’d find the appreciation and effort on his part absolutely heart-warming. But as his date?

Waiting in the rain in 6in heels while Brad and Angelina sip cocktails in the glittery ballroom? I’d soon get miffed by his chivalry. (Except of course, Tom would have had the heels chopped off all my shoes the day I moved in, so at least aching feet wouldn’t be the problem there.)

I’m bemused by the fact that every film he’s ever starred in, quite famously features a ‘chase scene.’ Now here is a man who loves to run. But why? Does he enjoy the way he looks while running?

Is it his only opportunity, during an otherwise incredibly packed schedule of work and awards ceremonies, to get a bit of cardio in? Is there a ‘chase scene’ clause written into all his movie contracts? And how does he manage to run flat and straight as an arrow, rather than bouncing up and down like a normal person? I am perplexed.

And I’ll admit it, I’ve never really forgiven him for the scene he caused during his appearance on Oprah Winfrey.

I’m a true romantic, through and through, but even I couldn’t get on board with the sickly sweet declarations he made whilst jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch and wrestling her like a five-year -old. If he were my boyfriend I’d have told him to get a grip and remember his age. Was it the behaviour of a man crazy in love? Or the actions of a bloke desperate to prove he was capable of managing the one thing that seemed to elude him - a normal relationship?

I don’t think many of us were shocked to learn that Katie Holmes had filed for divorce. Shocked only that the tabloids finally seemed to have got something right.

It seems that his devotion to the cult-like religion of Scientology might be largely at the centre of the split, along with his controlling nature and sinister plans for six-year-old daughter Suri’s religious future. Apparently, as a Scientologist, Tom believes he is descended from aliens. A race of straight-running, couch-jumping, floppy-haired aliens. And suddenly it all starts to make sense.

I’m only surprised that it took dear Miss Holmes so long to get out. Katie, alarm bells would have rung for me the day he insisted on a silent ‘scientology’ childbirth.

My response would have been ‘you first darling’ before I kneed him casually in the groin.