SHEFFIELD UNITED: Tour diary

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DRY AS A BONE: Reports Malta is about to be hit by a torrential rainstorm are, according to local newspaper The Times, are about as accurate as a Bayern Munich penalty kick. Sicily and southern Italy will be hit by the worst of the weather but, we’re reliably informed, this little island in the Med is “not in the storm’s sphere of influence.”

EDUCATED: The above publication really is a cut above the rest. Totally high brow stuff. Columnists include legal experts, consultants and politicians. Having flicked through at breakfast yesterday, I’ve now got an excellent understanding of Maltese divorce law and the workings of its parliament.

FLUENT: Erik Tonne effortlessly talked his way through an interview with yours truly earlier this week. “Where did you learn such excellent English?” I asked, impressed by the Norwegian’s grasp of both the Queen’s and good old fashioned football speak. “Oh, just at school,” he replied. Education Secretary and GCSE hater Michel Gove would have rubbed his hands in glee.