Take Two:

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AHH, Valentine’s Day - celebration of love, romance and gratuitous capitalist exploitation...

Of all our national celebrations go, there seems to be something about February 14 that particularly entices companies to attempt to jump on Cupid’s bandwagon and use it to try and sell their (not-even-remotely-romantic-related) tat.

Yes, JM Marketing, I’m talking about you.

“As we get closer to Valentine’s Day,” an emailed press release asked this week, “what could be better than snuggling up in front of the fire?”

Well, quite a few things to be fair - romantic meal, weekend away, tantric sex - but let’s ignore that and assume cuddling before those flames is your bag.

In that case, say JM, they can help. Not by selling a fire, as such - but an electric fan heater instead.

Snuggle in front of that, you young romantics.

INCIDENTALLY - and forgive me coming on all curmudgeon - there’s nothing quite gets my goat like an unsolicited email from a PR firm which begins by asking how I am?

Because the sender doesn’t care one jot. They’ve never met me. We’ve never spoken. So why start a communication by enquiring after my health when the answer is of no interest anyway?

Somewhat annoyed by the fourth or fifth such email in a single day, I replied to one that I was “very well - although my piles are causing me some pain.”

Fair play to the recipient, she battered not an emailed eyelid, said she was sorry to hear that, and ploughed on asking if I’d write a story on the cat food she was selling.

GREAT to meet the Sheffield University Tea Society for today’s main feature - and I’ve recommended it to a friend.

He has two simple rules in life: never trust a man who doesn’t support a football team and never date a girl who doesn’t like a cup of tea.

He insists that way happiness lies.