Today’s Star columnist: Anouchka Santella

Anouchka Santella
Anouchka Santella
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English people have a bad reputation with French guys. They think English men look like fat alcoholics with bad teeth and girls are orange pigs on heels.

Now, as much as I see England as paradise it’s still a real country with real people, who aren’t all attractive. Some boys look like horses and some girls wear tight dresses when they shouldn’t, just like anywhere else.

For some reason people think it’s worse here.

When I was in Paris recently I told them they were wrong. For some reason none of my male friends believed me when I told them guys here are sexier and cooler and have amazing accents and amazing faces.

They looked at pictures and criticised their hair or smiles. When I showed them someone with a perfect face, they decided the picture was too dark for them to judge.

They did feel differently when we went on to girls. Suddenly the pictures weren’t too dark. The only words they were able to say after drooling on my phone for 10 minutes were “babes” and “let’s go to Sheffield”.

To be fair, British girls win. I know French girls are supposed to be sophisticated, but that can be a bit boring when you walk in the Paris streets and you see so many with perfectly straight hair balanced on perfect tiny black jackets.

I thought California girls would maybe beat English girls. They spend their days drinking smoothies lying on the sand and chilling while having manicures done, waiting between auditions – of course they sound good. Give any girl that much time and relaxed activities and she’ll look good as well. When you’re driving near the beach you can see it, long blonde hair flying with the wind while they run with their surfboard. If they didn’t all have the same hair, clothes or face, I’d be into it.

But English girls are something else. They’re witty and fun and sassy. They wear dark fringes that make them look tough and have sexy tattoos.

Sometimes I wish I was a boy. I’d be in love with all of them. I’d date them all, although they’d probably hate me for dating them all at the same time. I’d probably be miserable because girls are a pain and dating one must be annoying enough, so all of them would be such hard work I might die.

I’m glad I’m not a boy.