Things that get on my wick part 1

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I can’t say as to just when things started to get on my wick, it could be when I met Mr Dawson and Mr Sorsby but I’m not sure.

I’ve always drifted along with breeze, not letting things grate on me but now that I’m approaching my 66th year, I’m terrible, if I say to my lovely wife, let’s just nip in Virgin to look at the new mobile phones, as soon as put my foot inside the shop, I’m pounced upon “Can I help you sir?” Me, “no I’m just looking thanks,” assistant, “are you interested in cable TV?” Me “no we’ve got all the things on offer, TV, phone, mobiles and broadband”, assistant “how big is your bundle?” Me, “that’s a bit personal, but thanks for asking”.

One of Virgin’s Tv adverts shouts about the big “Kahuna”, I don’t think they know what that is, it’s a Hawaiian witch-doctor type, I certainly wouldn’t want one of those strutting round when I’m in the bath. I walked out with the female assistant laughing.

I hate to be asked if I need help when I walk into any shop, another shop that gets my goat is Curry’s, as you enter, “hello there” as if I’m a friend or something, I’ll stop at the laptops, printers etc. you get my drift, I’m browsing and because I’ve got one or two grey hairs in my fabulous locks, the assistants think I’m a “Sorsby” totally useless with today’s modern gadgets but I’m very good with them, so I just reply “no thanks” and walk out, it drives me out of the shop, if I need help I’ll go and ask them, please leave me to browse.

Just the other day we went in Thomson’s Travel Agents on Pinstone Street, on approaching the entrance, I noticed I had to press a large circular plate to open the automatic doors, why? My hands and arms work perfectly well, I learnt how to open and close doors at a very young age and it’s a skill I still have, so why would I need some circuit board to operate the doors for me, these automatic doors really do get on my wick, our Doctors have now had one of these doors installed, why?

Any of the stores in the town, BHS, Marks & Sparks, Debenhams and such, in these stores you are left alone to look at your hearts content, this is great for me, after a good peruse, Mary and I find a couple of seats open our sandwiches, break out our primus stove make a good cup of tea, take our shoes off and relax for half an hour, batteries fully recharged, we take our purchases to the till, give them to the assistant, “do you have a store card?” Me, “no” assistant “would you like one?” Me “no”. Assistant, “you can get up to 20% off”, me, “look if I wanted or needed a store card I would have asked for one”, goods bagged and I’m off.

On walking down the Moor, there sits a Mendicant asking for Alms, “any spare change mate?” I shove my hand into my snug jeans, pull out a handful of coins, and I reply ”yes thanks” shove the change back into the dark of my pocket and walk off, if he’s hungry let him kill his dog and eat it.

Please bear with me I’ve nearly done, Chuggers, “hello Guys”, me, “I’m not a guy I’m a bloke, a fella, a man or even a git but I’m not a Guy”, I’m sick to the back teeth with these American phrases that’s creeping into our language, the stupid hand shakes, the whooping at venues. Proms, what’s that all about? Families spending hundreds of pounds trying to outdo other parents, why?

I’m sick of people telling me to have “a nice day” I don’t want to have a nice day, I may want to have a miserable day, or an irritable day, a crap day but nice no!

This is only part one of the things that get on my wick, watch for part two of 196.

Vin Malone

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