JO DAVISON: Narrow squeak with TV guide

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Diary note to self: Friday, January 28, Get the hell away from the telly.

A Mr and Mrs Rattray of Leeds (yes, it’s their real name) plus their 27 pet rats will be on.

The couple, surely borderline insane, are members of the Yorkshire Rat Club. There is an appreciation society? It beggars belief. What’s to love about disease-carrying buck-toothed vermin?

I speak having encountered rats at close quarters. An entire family. In my kitchen. The sound of the mother’s heavy footfall as she trotted across the floor, the sight of three partially munched bananas in the fruit bowl - ON MY KITCHEN TABLE - they will never leave me.

A rat catcher from Rotherham environmental health (when it was free) finally got shut. But even now, the faintest squeak of wisteria on windowpane or cranky gas boiler has me jumping on a chair like that woman in Tom and Jerry.