It’s a fact; real men now wear moisturiser.
Mine dabs a bit on every morn and night - though in an extreme, macho fashion which I find quite alarming.
Twice a day, he gets a dollop out of the jar at his bedside and rubs it into his cheeks with the same vigour he employs for waxing his car. Then he drags what’s left of it on his hands across his forehead and down his jaw.
I assume his technique is so that no one could ever doubt his manliness. And because at least he’s DOING self-improvement, I resist from reminding him he is probably undoing the good all those dainty little active botanicals are valiantly striving to do in one swipe,
He also wears aftershave daily (though he never calls it “fragrance”, like they do in the adverts) and he does like a nice shampoo and conditioner combo. Since he took up with me, he has even learned what product is and the need for “texture and body”.
Each day, he now happily squidges a bit of styling wax in (albeit by taking great, many clumps of hair in his sticky fists and forcing it into submission). Though when I first uttered all three words in the same sentence while wrestling the brush from his grasp before he yanked out any more of the hair that is in pretty sparse supply at his temples, he looked at me as if it were ancient Greek I was uttering.
Like many a macho man, he has got ever so slightly in touch with his feminine side and tentatively teetered into the world of male cosmetics and toiletries - a market now worth billions to companies like Proctor and Gamble.
I’m all for it; okay, I don’t like guyliner on anyone other than Phil Oakey, but why shouldn’t men pamper themselves with nice, smelly, feel-good products; slap on a bit of this and that to keep their skin smooth, unspotty and more youthful-looking?
And fair’s fair; since forever, women have been under pressure to spend huge amounts of time and money on making the best of themselves. Woad was surely a prequel to Estee Lauder.
One thing I really cannot fathom, though, is the last bastion of male beauty resistance. Baldness.
When it comes to smooth and shiny pates, men regress to babyhood. The majority either favour complete denial, or go all extreme and shave the whole lot off, just because one teeny little patch of scalp had the temerity to go on strike.
Presumably this is because the last time they didn’t have hair, they could get away with throwing their toys out of the pram.
I told Bloke I’d read about the amazing results of a can of hairy fluff stuff men can spray onto their bald bits. Like the little one right at the back of his crown that he pretends he can’t see, Readers, his response was terse to say the least. Even when I told him it didn’t come off in rain or wind - and that I’d buy him a can.
“Why?” I asked, genuinely surprised. If women went bald, they would flock to try such a simple disguise. “Because I don’t think about my appearance all the time, like you do,” he said.
Now really; was there any need for that?