It’s like giving birth.
You remember it hurt, and every single thing That happened up to, during and after, but not the actual sensation.
I’m talking about heartbreak. The gut-wrenching agony of being dumped. Which immobilises you. Crushes you. Scars you forever, if you let it.
The only thing you can do (after begging him to reconsider, then hurling all his belongings at him when he STILL says no) is turn into a heaRtbroken wreck and wallow in thick, muddy misery.
Only for so long, though. There comes a point when you realise that to continue will turn you as mad as Miss Havisham. That you HAVE to get yourself out of the wedding dress – I mean, chocolate-stained dressing gown – and off the sofa now covered in a crumble of biscuit and Dorito dust.
You have to stop calling your best friends in rotation (doncha know they all call each other afterwards in exasperation?) and take Those Songs off repeat-play. The lyrics may speak straight to the raw part, but they are salt, not salve, on the wound.
And then you have to do what seems impossible; pull yourself together and carry on with your life. Because the person that left WASN’T life itself. It just feels like that because you can’t have them any more.
On your side is the 10 pounds you lost to misery, so plaster on a smile (fake will do fine for now) and all the make-up it takes to cover up the cracks in your ego. Then set about channelling all your inner craziness, pain and anger into your mission. You’re NOT going to try to get him back; you’re going to focus on getting back at him.
And the best way is by making it appear you’re absolutely fine without him.
Nothing makes a jilter – man or woman – more sure they did the right thing than having to face a weepy, wilting ex. It reminds them of how needy and draining you are – and how bad they feel about hurting you.
But when the jilter sees you back on form, seeds of doubt germinate in their mind. And with a bit of luck, they start to feel like the loser.
Actress Kelly Brook is busily turning the tables on her second ex-rugby player boyfriend, Thom Evans. She’s out painting the town red with her first, Danny Cipriani.
She’s posted the pictures – and snaps of a beautiful Valentine’s bouquet from a ‘mystery admirer’ – on Twitter, for Thom to see. And no doubt she’s also changed her Facebook status to single and slapped a dozen shots of her looking particularly luscious on there for good measure.
Dating site Flirt.com found around 56 per cent of ditched men and women post photos of themselves with their new partner online for their ex to see – and update their Facebook status within two weeks.
In the age of social media it’s a sight easier for girls to press the jealousy button. I’m SO envious.
In my day, you had to head to your ex’s hunting ground and stalk him from bar to bar, all the while making it look like you were having such a brilliant time, you’d never even noticed he was there.