It’s the DIY kit every fragile Casanova will want in his virility toolbox

Would-be Casanovas will be queueing up to prove their virility with the DIY sperm test
Would-be Casanovas will be queueing up to prove their virility with the DIY sperm test
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It’s the latest piece of DIY kit, but you can’t get it from B&Q - or the Screw-Fix catalogue.

This particular piece of tackle has just gone on sale at Boots.

The very first home test for men wanting to check on their fertility levels is aimed at caring, concerned chaps trying to father a child. But I doubt they will be the ones queueing up for the £29.99 SpermCheck.

I reckon it’s destined to become the must-have, ego-massaging tool for macho men - Casanova types curious to know if, deep down, they really are the potent, super-fertile studs they would like to think they are.

You know what men are like about their virility. They convince themselves they can so much as look at their woman, her pants will fall off and she’ll be up the duff in about four minutes, give or take.

Even the resolutely single chap determined not be the daddy and taking all precautions would be utterly dismayed if he was firing blanks.

It’s the caveman in them.

It’s a fact of very modern life, though, that fellas are becoming less fertile. In 30 per cent of couples having problems conceiving the problem is with the man.

Whining misogynists reckon low sperm counts are OUR fault - that ballsy women emasculate them. Scientific theories range from something in the water to tight underpants and the Chris Hoyle effect. Cycling, it seems, is a right ego-crusher.

Whatever, I reckon sales of this ten-minute test will rise - and rise. The ‘I wonder if’ factor will kick in. Every man wants to know if his collywobbles work. And as fertility is an up and down thing (‘scuse me) it’s going to be hard to stop at just the one.

DO baggy boxers really make a difference? I’ll wear mine for a week (same pair. S’fine) then do another test, thinks the budding SpermCheck addict. Can booze and ciggies REALLY affect those little blighters? I’ll take another test the morning after a night on the tiles.

Yep, the SpermCheck is set to become the modern equivalent of the fairground Test Your Strength machine.