I just don’t get it.
For years these poor souls have been feeling like freaks.
And all because of some problem Down Below. Something so intimate and so highly embarrassing, they daren’t even confide in their doctor.
So what do they do?
When the Channel Four equivalent of the freak show circus comes to town, they rush to the roadshow caravan and clamber up on the posh, lisping Doctor Christian’s couch. Before you can say cough and drop, their drawers are off and they’s happily flashing their deformed genitalia on national TV.
He must have some bedside manner. Or maybe the unfortunates are fooled into thinking Doc Jessen’s ridiculously huge shirt collars will block the cameraman’s view.
Or perhaps they’re persuaded into it.
I can just imagine some gushy little researcher charming the pants off the worst-afflicted specimens through the door with a righteous little spiel about how revealing their problematic part in all its gory glory will actually help other sufferers to cope with theirs. That it’s all for the good of mankind, rather than Channel 4’s Monday night viewing figures.
I inadvertently switched on this week, to be greeted by a spotty penis and a close-up of a woman’s pudendum.
It was winking at me, I swear.
She said having sex was painful and wanted to know why.
The doc diagnosed a medical condition with a very long name, and sent her off to a specialist.
Presumably he didn’t have to forsake his email account and resort to posting a letter second-class, the way my doctor does. And I imagine Ms Pudendum didn’t have to go on a lengthy NHS waiting list.
Her lady bits got a swift diagnosis and some ointment.
And lo and behold, when she walked back into Dr Christian’s surgery, she looked like a different woman.
Literally. She’d had a hair and beauty make-over, I swear.
Either that or she’d been putting the cream in the wrong place.