Having retired from a proper job and needing to boost my pension I have decided to become an M.P.
I have watched all the latest party conferences attended by assorted oddballs and schoolchildren and I have now devised my plan of campaign based on what M.P.s have done before.
1) Promise my constituents everything they want. 2) Get elected. 3) On arriving in Westminster fax my constituency and inform them that due to the financial situation non of my promises can be kept. 4)Employ wife as political researcher on £35,000 per year. She has no interest in politics but is less likely to “shop me” to the popular press should the expenses claims get a little exaggerated. 5)My researchers first jobs will be to ensure that I am enrolled in the M.P.s gold plated pension scheme, that I have plenty of expenses claim forms readily to hand. That she has made me aware of where the subsidised bars and restaurants are within the House of Commons, and that my nomination for the all party committees on sport and brewing have been put forward. 6)Inform constituency that due to fear of being attacked by constituent there will be no surgeries .7)Attend Commons and nod through all legislation coming from Europe however daft or detrimental to this country it may be. Vote through all domestic legislation as my party leadership tells me ,showing no independent thought. 8)Attend Prime Ministers Question Time sitting as near to party leader as possible so as to be seen on T.V. Despite being unable to hear any debate support my leader by shouting, pulling faces and gesticulating in the most childish ways possible. 9) Agree to be on any T.V. news show where I can ignore the question asked while spouting the “party line”. Roll on 2015 I cant wait to get my snout in the trough and don’t forget to vote.