Fifty shades of Black and Blue... I’m turning grey at the thought

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It’s turned on several million women, but it’s got London firemen hot under their helmets (oo-er missus).

Erotic best-seller Fifty Shades of Grey is blamed for wasting the fire brigade’s time. It’s had to release 79 Londoners from handcuffs since the book was released.

Other odd emergencies included freeing male appendages stuck in vacuum cleaners (Fifty Shades of Black and Blue, then). And, unfathomably, toasters. It would have to be one of those with adjustable slots wouldn’t it?

Says a brigade spokesman: “If using handcuffs always keep the keys handy.” What, and spoil the thrill of having hunks in uniform turn up? It’s an exhibitionist’s dream ending. Best to leave the pervs in limbo and head to a real emergency. They won’t mind.