Don’t put your shirt on horse at Ascot

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Decorum, ladies.

That’s all they’re asking for.

Royal Ascot has just tightened up its new dress code and fillies are wild-eyed and whinneying.

Party-poopers, they pout. Flashing our pins and wearing ridiculous head gear is all part of the enjoyment.

Well, no need to get your Ann Summers leopard-print tangas in a twist. Having fun and dressing like a tart don’t have to go hand in glove.

And anyway, nothing has changed; the racecourse is merely spelling out its rules very clearly - like schools have to do when pupils have started turning up in ties two inches long. Why shouldn’t they? It’s their gig.

The shortest a Royal Ascot skirt can be is just about the knee and strapless tops are banned.

In the Royal Enclosure, ridiculous, saloon-girl-style feather fascinators and Borrowers-sized top hats will no longer be tolerated.

Thank heavens for that. I have never seen a woman who doesn’t look cheap in one. And if you simply cannot bear the thought of looking ladylike in a proper hat, you and your bit of fluff can head for the Grandstand instead.

Ascot officials are so determined to raise standards of dress, they are arranging for hats and Pashminas to be sold at the door - at cost price, before you go steeplejumping to any conclusions.

I’ll tell you why women are complaining; fear. They don’t know how to dress in a manner which is not overtly sexy. They think that looking glamorous means going out day or night dressed like a lap dancer pre-strip.