Column: For goodness sake, please put it away!

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It has to be said that I'm not up to speed when it comes to the modern dating game, but I am broad-minded. However, even I cannot get my head around the idea of Naked Attraction - the nude dating programme from Channel 4. If you've not seen it then it's Blind Date, but with each participant naked.

They stand in a coloured cubicle revealing bits of their body with no modesty screen or, indeed, anywhere to hide. The show excuses itself by stressing its 'in the buff' participants feel 'empowered' by the experience of getting their kit off. Poppycock! It's just car-crash telly designed to pull in the punters. But are they really empowered or are they simply narcissists? Think about it, who in their right mind would want to go starkers on prime-time national telly? Not me, for one. It takes all the courage I have to wear a bikini on a beach in summer, never mind flash my birthday suit to all and sundry. But that's the top and, erm, bottom of Naked Attraction. It's the kind of show that makes you wish you could take out both eyeballs and rinse after viewing. Yes, it's that bad. I watched it along with a bunch of mates and a bottle of wine, and it wasn’t long before we found ourselves howling with laughter. Now, I might be wrong, but I doubt that's why the contestants go on the show. Instead, the comments went a bit like this:

It makes you wish you could take out both eyeballs and rinse after viewing

“Taxi for blue.”

And: “Don't get comfy, yellow, you're not staying.”

To:

“I don't fancy yours much...”

And that was just the men.

The women were even more bizarre, particularly the one who claimed she'd had no plastic surgery yet was an orange doppelgänger for Pete Burns, only with more makeup.

I was trying to recall what this show reminded me of, and then it struck me - something from a old-fashioned 'freak show’ travelling circus. But forget the bearded lady because it seems that body hair just doesn't cut it anymore, on a man or a woman. That is unless it's a hipster beard on a fella.

Surely this show takes away everything needed for a long term successful relationship. If someone's already seen your thru'penny bits then surely that steals away the mystery. Also, if you love someone, you love them, er…warts and all. But no. It seems that this show is full of exhibitionists, who think they are god's gift to humankind, which means in reality they are exactly the type of people you'd cross the street to avoid.