OLIVER Letwin probably wouldn’t approve but I was on holiday last week.
Around the same time it was revealed the Tory toff had said families from Sheffield shouldn’t be allowed away, I was the living proof that actually maybe he’s right.
Uncultured Northerner abroad?
My accent and instincts speak in one uniformed voice – I do not belong here.
I cannot help it.
I cannot help that when I sat in a helicopter swooping into the Grand Canyon – 277 miles long, 6,000 ft deep, the most astonishing natural wonder on earth – and the pilot asked if anyone had any questions, the only one that sprung to mind was if there was any way of finding out the Real Madrid-Spurs score.
I cannot help that when I was dragged to Milan’s Duomo last summer the happiest part of the day was stumbling on an Italian version of Wetherspoon’s.
I cannot help that old churches turn me atheist and galleries apathetic.
It’s not that that stuff doesn’t interest me, it’s just it interests me from a distance. The distance mainly being from work, when I’m on Wikipedia, with nothing much better to do.
There’s a saying isn’t there? You can take the boy out of Yorkshire but he’s still a rate bloody charlie.
So, fair play to you, Olly, you old Oxbridge Etonian, you’re bang on. I don’t deserve the holidays a man of your upstanding standing does. I’m not worthy of those flights.
Why should I be allowed to damage the environment when all I want to do is be myself but somewhere else? Why should I be allowed to waste carbon emissions when you could be using them to network your family with the upper classes of Europe?
I should know my place.
Indeed, frankly, it’s probably not just going on holiday which I – and you, as Sheffielders – shouldn’t be doing.
For example, do we really need to ever eat out?
There are so many restaurants and takeaways, yet, don’t we all have ovens at home? Wouldn’t it be better for the environment if we never treated ourselves? Carbon-spewing eateries could shut, petrol-guzzling delivery lorries would be sidelined, and our betters down south could stuff themselves on foie gras knowing they were saving the planet by encouraging us to stay home.
Why stop there? Do Sheffield children really need to go to school?
Most of those kids are only going to end up – like me – sitting in some foreign bar, asking ‘Do you have Sky Sports’ in broken Italian, so why spend money on education? It’s a waste of resources which would be better spent at Eton. If a child has an accent send them into manual labour at 14 and tell them it’s too good for them.
And the health service?
Aren’t we all fat, drunk and smoke-choked up here anyway? Wouldn’t doctors be better abandoning us and concentrating on the illnesses of the rich? Like gout.
And why should we have public transport? We have legs. Or a police force? None of us have anything to nick anyway.
Good old Olly for pointing it out.
Someone said he should apologise but – isn’t it obvious now? – surely it’s us who should be apologising to him.
Sorry Olly. Sorry for going on holiday. Sorry for spending our hard-earned cash (far harder-earned than yours, incidentally) treating our loved ones to a couple of weeks in the sun. Sorry we ever had ideas above our station.