YOU know what annoys me? People who say ‘Life doesn’t get much better’ to describe a rudimentary pleasure.
Have you noticed that’s become a thing? ‘I’m reading a book in the sun - life doesn’t get much better.’ ‘I’m having curry for tea - life doesn’t get better’. ‘I’m watching Jeremy Kyle in my Y-fronts - life doesn’t get much better’.
YES IT DOES!
There should be a law which states that unless you’re cavorting with a naked Rihanna while The Rolling Stones are playing your own private gig on your own Caribbean beach and the radio is reporting United/Wednesday are 4-0 up against Wednesday/United in the European Cup Final, then you’re not allowed to say Life Doesn’t Get Much Better.
Because self-evidently it does. And declaring it otherwise doesn’t show your contentment, it just shows you lack imagination. This is what I want to scream to people who say that. But obviously I don’t. I just write about it instead in a column they don’t read. Like a real man. Want to know something else which annoys me? Loads. Absolutely loads of stuff. A year ago I wrote a lot of them out right here, and it didn’t even start to scratch the surface, so I thought, well, it’s summer and the only news is how Malcolm Tucker has just become James Bond’s new enemy or something, I’ll have another bash at it.
Electronic cigarettes. They annoy me. Poisonous little sticks - rammed with nicotine and marketed by spiv companies - are the most bizarre and wretched phenomenon this generation has made popular. And this generation made Gangnam Style popular. They’re not cheap, they’re not healthy and they don’t mean you don’t have to stand in a doorway to toke. Just man up and go for the real thing.
No More Page Three annoys me. All that talent and energy wasted on such a no-mark campaign. Don’t like it? Don’t buy the paper. End of sweat.
Google Mail. Shoot me. Next? The washing up. She cooks, I clean. That’s not a fair division of labour. Cooking is finite. Cleaning never ends. There’s always a pot to wash. It’s like the Forth Bridge in your kitchen. People who have sugar in their tea. People who have pie without Henderson’s. Weirdos. The British weather annoys me. People who moan about the weather annoy me. People who moan in general annoy me.
Nothing worse than that last one.