So tell me; how desperate are you to lose your jelly-belly and those thunderous thighs before you hit the beach?
Desperate enough to try the most extreme weightloss aid yet invented?
You’ve heard of patches to help you stop smoking and others that act as contraception or hormone replacement therapy for the menopausal?
Well now there are diet patches. Fatties in Beverley Hills are queueing up for them.
But before you start slavering for a website address, button your lip and bite your tongue. These patches are no simple, Elastoplast-style, stick-on solution.
Oh, no. Stretch your imagination a bit. This is America we’re talking about; Land of the Super-Sized. Six surgical stitches sew the patch onto your tongue. Wincing yet? Read on...
The patch makes it so painful to eat solid food, patients cannot chew a thing. They have to exist on a liquidised diet and must have the patch removed after a month, because otherwise it can weld itself irrevocably to the tongue.
The article I was reading also said that the postage stamp-sized patch is made of the same material used to make hoola hoops.
I kind of figure it’s not the stuff of those little munchy things that come in bags; that would be so much nicer, but clearly they would just keep dissolving and end up being very bad for your waistline.
Anyway, I digress; the latest and surely most ridiculous of extreme weight-loss methods also makes your tongue swell up, which means it’s virtually impossible to talk. So you may well lose up 30lbs by the time the patch is removed, but you’ve also lost your job, the boyfriend you could have killed with a kiss and the respect of everyone who attempts to strike up conversation with you