Agony aunt, Andrea Moon: Time to live now not dwell on a past relationship

A Generic Photo of a couple sitting down with their feet up. See PA Feature WELLBEING Feet. Picture credit should read: PA Photo/thinkstockphotos. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature WELLBEING Feet.
A Generic Photo of a couple sitting down with their feet up. See PA Feature WELLBEING Feet. Picture credit should read: PA Photo/thinkstockphotos. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature WELLBEING Feet.
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Years ago my first love split up with me after a weeks holiday with his mates. He told me there was no one else, that he just wanted to be by himself and that he was letting me go so that I could find someone else.

He brought me a bottle of perfume, then finished with me. We were together for four years. I am now in a relationship and I really love my current partner. He makes me very happy and would never hurt me, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex and how my life would be if we were still together.

A

This is a fantasy that I think most people harbour at some point in their lives.

When you settle into a comfortable secure relationship, it is normal to reminisce about a more passionate time, when it all seemed new and interesting. First love is powered by lust, adrenalin and usually emotional immaturity.

Your old flame was at least honest with you and had the decency to admit that the relationship wasn’t working for him, rather than letting it drag on. It is always an ego deflater to be the “dumpee” rather than the “dumper”. The perfume showed that he did think of you whilst away and maybe wanted to make the separation sweeter, maybe even a guilt present. Consider your reminiscence like reading a trashy celebrity magazine. The “It “ Couple, the wild and glamorous parties and the must-have fashions may look all you could ever dream of but it is all a façade. You don’t get to see the heartache and surgery. Human brains are wonderfully adaptable and remembering the good times rather than real life is just one of our ways of coping. Although it is romantic to remember when you were younger and how things might have been, the truth is here and now. It is years later, your supposed Prince Charming was actually more of a teacher. You learned, you cried, you physically moved on now don’t let your bruised ego hold back any chances of happiness with your current relationship. Maybe its time you started dating your new man again rather than letting it slide into the “friend zone”. Arrange to meet and have a proper date. Get ready separately and meet there. It is amazing how you can suddenly see your partner as you did originally. That cheeky grin? Those flirty eyes? Smelling fresh and manly? Try and see him as other women do.A good partner who you can laugh with, that you trust, who knows and loves you even because of your imperfections is very hard to find. Live in the present.

email: andrea.moon @jpress.co.uk