140 reasons not to social network

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I have just posted my 1,000th Tweet. But here is a (shorter version of) a column I wrote before I joined the website, Twitter:

“Occasionally I get asked if I twitter.

By occasionally, of course, I mean once. By my Mum, when she was making small talk. But let us not get bogged down in details.

The pertinent point here is that I have been asked.

And my answer is – and always will be – particularly singular

Does the Pope, my inquisitive little friend, take a dump in the woods? Are bears Catholic?

No I do not twitter because I am not (a) a celebrity, (b) a self-involved buffoon (at least not that much of one) or (c) a Stephen Fry style combination of both the above.

Nor do I have a Facebook. Nor will I ever have whatever else becomes the latest craze if it involves creating an online persona which represents, not the person one actually is, but in fact the person one wishes they were.

I will not twitter. I will not write on Twitter. And, though I appreciate the occasional Twitter-spread gag I will not read Twitter.

Life, despite how it feels when someone is asking you about social networking sites, is very short.

And while I will happily waste hours watching repeats of Only Fools And Horses or debating whether Shakespeare was a greater Englishman than Gary Lineker; while I can do that and still somehow feel the day was productive, I despair that anyone would spend their life looking at pictures of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher lying in bed together, or reading cod-140 character philosophy by Sarah Brown, or finding out what a friend has had for tea. Unless, I suppose, it’s a fish and chip supper which is always worth hearing about.

And, what is more, I could never respect anyone who took the time to read the minuted minutiae of my life.

Because, for sure, when I buy a new cardigan /go out for an Indian meal /visit the toilet I find it pretty exciting stuff but why would you want to know?

Because, though I’m narcissistic enough to think all those above things have the potential to become epoch-defining moments – especially when the third follows the morning after the second – I’m not also egotistical enough to imagine anyone else could think the same. ”

Shortly after I joined Twitter.