It's Tell A Joke Day ... so here's 19 of the best

Tell A Joke Day
Tell A Joke Day
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Seriously, August 16 is internationally acknowledged Tell A Joke Day.

Linguist Robert Hetzron describes a gag thus: “A joke is a short humorous piece of oral literature in which the funniness culminates in the final sentence called the punchline. In fact, the main condition is that the tension should reach it’s highest level at the very end. No continuation relieving the tension should be added.”

To lighten the tone, we showcase 19 top one-liners from birth of mirth Edinburgh Festival Fringe, world's largest arts showcase currently enjoying 69th staging.

And, not jokes as such but innately northern humour, we celebrate the fun-filled fest by reprising arguably South Yorkshire's finest funny man John Shuttleworth. Comic creation of Walkley's Graham Fellows, the Yamaha PSS portable keyboard king draws on deadpan observations of Sheffield working men's club drinkers and mouse breeding eccentrics.

"I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide, I can do it by Ferrero Rocher." Harriet Kemsley

"My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious." Fin Taylor

"Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry." Juliet Meyers

"I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible, if he's already done it twice'." Mark Watson

"Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for “unwanted pregnancy?” Adam Hess

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." Gary Delaney

"The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately." Chris Coltrane

“Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic.” Jimeoin

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas." Mark Nelson

"My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a lady called Leanne." Laura Lexx

"Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens." Darren Walsh

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” Joel Dommett

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat." Joe Lycett

"I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel." Rob Auton

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs.” Patrick Monohan

"Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them." Matt Winning

"Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe, and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday?" Tom Neenan

"I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill." Chris Turner

"You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity." Lou Sanders