Fathers' rights have to be resolved
And when did you last see your father?
The 19th century picture 'And when did you last see your father?' by WF Yeames depicts a scene from the English Civil War – a small boy being questioned by a group of Parliamentarians about the whereabouts of his Royalist father.
In 21st century Britain the roles might be reversed – with the question directed at some fathers perhaps more likely to be 'And when did you last see your children?'
Sadly, today, in a divorce or the break up of a long-term partnership, it is not unusual to meet fathers who feel they do not have any rights in connection with their children – or have been told by their former partners that they do not have any rights.
Mothers can be affected by difficulties with the father's behaviour in the relationship – for example alcoholism, unreliability, domestic violence and even murder threats.
Fathers 4 Justice campaigners have staged numerous high-profile protests – one on the balcony of Buckingham Palace – to highlight the depth of feeling and frustrations that the issue of the rights of fathers stirs up.
Some mothers, after separation, can feel that the father's role in their children's lives is disruptive to the children rather than supportive and can be very concerned about or distrustful of the father's motives in getting involved in children's lives.
This can be a raw and highly emotional aspect of a relationship breakdown and there is nearly always a large adjustment to be made by the whole family unit after a separation.
Whether the relationship between the father and his children has been wholly positive, patchy or not the best, fathers can feel marginalised and powerless when they go through the process of making arrangements to see their own children.
Some parents become fixed on the children spending 50% of their time with each parent.
Although this arrangement suits some, research has shown that many children do not prefer this option, but agree to it to keep the peace between their parents.
The flip side of the issue is fathers who perhaps find the whole experience of being a father after separation too stressful – and simply disengage.
Often mothers, when visiting their lawyers, express concern that their former partner does not spend enough time with the children – and would very much like the father to spend more time with them.
It is worth remembering that fathers of children in unmarried families, if named as the father on the birth certificate, have as much parental responsibility as the mother for all children born after December 1, 2003.
Fathers of children in unmarried families where the children were born before that date have no rights unless they entered into a parental responsibility agreement – although they can obtain them by applying to court.
So what's the best way forward for everyone if the breakdown is inevitable?
One of the key points is to reach an agreement directly with your ex-partner – which should recognise the children's views but not be slavish to them.
According to some research, children do not want to decide their parents' arguments concerning the best way to bring them up or in connection with contact issues – they just want their parents to agree a strategy together and stick to it.
Having said that, as children get older and into their teenage years they can get impatient with contact arrangements and can prefer shorter contacts to take place less often.
Parents can agree a parenting plan whereby they each agree a strategy for dealing with the children's upset on separation and look forward to what may happen in the future.
Parents can alternatively discuss their issues in mediation, where both meet in the same room with a qualified mediator.
Older children can sometimes be involved in this process to make sure their concerns and issues are understood and taken into account.
Last but not least, using the relatively new route of collaborative law, parents can discuss together, with the support of their lawyers, how to resolve their deeply- felt worries about the children.
In most cases both mother and father will, there is no doubt, have their children's best interests at heart.
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Friday 25 May 2012
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