JO DAVISON: Nurture study a bagful of rubbish
I don't quite know why or how we became so obsessed with slinging the carefully primped, dyed, studded and buckled hide of half a cow over our shoulders and thinking we're it.
We now seem to think a handbag is an extension of who we are.
But I have to tell designer bag hags that actually, it isn't how your handbag looks on the outside that speaks volumes about you.
Far more revealing about the inner you is what you've put in it. New research has confirmed what most of us have suspected for years: that we, the fairer sex, are hoarding too much in our handbags.
There can be as many as 63 different objects in the bottom of our bags, according to Kleenex. And our inner personalities are hidden within.
The tissue makers have got a psychologist to break us down into four bag personality types.
You could be a Designer Chic like Paris Hilton and have a different bag for every occasion, each of which only ever contains a blingy lipstick, the latest designer phone and your platinum card.
The Audrey Hepburn of handbag carriers is a woman not unlike Jennifer Aniston. Quality and good value are the Classically Poised girl's key concerns. Jennifer, incidentally, usually opts for a stylish but simple black bag. No bling, no colour matching.
Now I would say that shows distinct lack of imagination, but not according to the psychologist. Quiet elegance, style, discretion and loyalty are, apparently, in the bag.
I don't think I could ever be friends with Ms Minimalist Perfection, though. This woman enjoys being orderly and neat, rarely buys on impulse and regularly spends time decluttering her bag. What a lot of fun she sounds.
It surprised me not to learn that Madonna is one.
Star-watchers got a peek into Madge's handbag when it came open at a recent celebrity auction: all it contained was a magnifying mirror, hair clips, skin blotting tissues and a lip gloss.
But maybe me and the celebrity bag watchers have got it wrong. Perhaps she has another bag when she's off duty – and it's stuffed with lists, hastily scribbled Remember To notes, one of Baby David's toy cars, little Mercy's comfort blanket, a bottle of Calpol wrapped in an old Boots bag just in case the top comes off, three half-finished packets of chewing gum and a bumper pack of baby wipes.
I think I must be a "nurturer", the type who carries a huge bag crammed with anything she – or anyone else within a five-mile vicinity – might need in the event of an emergency.
And I quite like the personality description: This woman is a nurturer by nature. She is caring and popular, shares a willingness to support others and may have difficulty in de-cluttering things that are way past their sell by date.
Oh, that's me to a tee.
My celebrity twin is Eva Longoria, the pocket Venus who must surely sink to her knees under the weight of her over-crammed handbag.
I've just delved into mine and come up with the following: tape measure; pack of Ibruprofen, anti-histamine cream, emergency sewing kit, empty pack of ibuprofen, clear nail varnish, mirror, brush, four pens, make-up bag, phone and charger, sunglasses, Sat Nav, can of shoe stretcher, several lists on backs of envelopes, umpteen bills and bank statements and a purse the same size as Ms Designer Chic's clutch bag. It needs to be big to take all the receipts I garner – and keep for ages – along the way.
My bag is so heavy there's actually the beginnings of a groove mark in my right shoulder, and so full it takes me ages to find anything.
If anyone did have an emergency that required sudden use of my tape measure, it would be long past by the time I'd found it.
I'm the annoying woman in front of you in the bank queue who gets to the counter and has to empty everything out before I can find the bill I'm supposed to be paying.
Next time you're getting testy, though, remember... I could be Eva.
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Thursday 24 May 2012
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