I tried to break it to him gently, that writing about fighting the flab was not what I do. He didn't listen.

No siree, I don't think that's one for me, I said.

There was an audible pause on the line then a sigh.

"I don't think I've touched your key buttons, Martin."

He had but not in the way he thought. Touched my key buttons. Now I've not heard that one before.

But I bet we all will within the next few weeks.

I'm always intrigued by these buzzwords and phrases which crop up out of the blue and suddenly everyone spouts them.

They usually mask a load of boloney or the plain obvious.

"I think I can go the whole nine yards with this one," someone once said to me. Excuse me? What on earth does that mean?

It's an Americanism and a baseball term but what has that got to do with dear old Blighty?

How about: "I think we can snatch a quick single?"

Somehow, running the whole 22 yards hasn't quite the same ring.

Have you noticed the world no longer has problems? They don't exist. They've vanished. They've all been replaced by issues.

But then people who have issues instead of problems can't even say the word properly.

You listen. They say ishoos.

They have financial issues, medical issues and relationship issues.

I sometimes wonder if you run out of paper tissues that's a tissue issue.

And have you noticed that issues always have to be addressed, as if they're written down, stuffed inside an envelope and posted? Good, that's got rid of that one!

But even issues, which are really problems, are now under threat.

Turn on the telly and listen to them talking. So how many times did you count the word challenges?

Then people these days always seem to want to touch base with me – you keep your hands off – or interface or have face time together.

Excuse me for being simple. Do you mean we should meet?

These people also want to float my boat, as if I was some kind of sailor marooned on a sandbank, or urge me to think outside the box.

I had an e-mail with that last phrase on the other day, suggesting I call up for a phone mumber and a picture.

I clicked the return button and asked if they could try thinking INSIDE the box and send me the details in the first place.

One of my pet hates is the word 'synergy' which, according to my dictionary, means "increased effectiveness produced by co-operation" but in my experience whenever spoken signals that whatever follows is total Horlicks.

A few years ago a group of people I know were all sent on a course and came back full of Managementspeak.

When I pointed out there was difficulty in doing something they were asking because there was this problem I'd be shut up with the deadly phrase: "It's not a problem, it's an opportunity."

An opportunity to spout a load of boloney, certainly, but there was still a problem.

Bless 'em.

This sort of thing is going on everywhere you look. Take hospitals. They no longer have patients.

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