Even if Jason Donovan donned a pair of shiny gold hotpants that bared half his buttocks, no one with any sense would take the blindest bit of notice of him.
We're so over Jason. But he doesn't seem to be able to get over himself.
He can't forget how it felt to have millions of screaming teenage girls fainting at the mere mention of his name.
So, 15 years on from his days as pop idol, he's releasing a new album.
I'm amazed he's got a record company willing to put up the dosh. Because I can't think who on earth is going to buy it. Those weak-kneed, school-uniformed hoards who adored their Antipodean Adonis? They're all thirtysomething working mothers who wouldn't waste their money on boosting Jason's ego.
Surely the most dignified thing a has-been can do is fade quietly into obscurity?
But Donovan and his ilk can't forget. Or stop craving for a return of those crazy days when their every cough, spit (and, in Jason's case, sniff) caused a tabloid headline.
They attempt to reinvent themselves any way they can... Bit parts in soaps; touring musicals, cheesy daytime chat shows, the ritual humiliation of reality TV - and even the adverts in between.
Any last scrap of fame at any price seems to be their mantra.
In Jason's case, you do wonder just how much of it is caused by the Kylie phenomenon.
The itsy little girl who bounced by his side through I Should Be So Lucky (how appropriate was that title?) must now be the thorn in it.
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FeaturesMore Rotherham newsMore Doncaster newsMore Barnsley newsCheck out the very latest on South Yorkshire's roads - including live traffic cameras on Sheffield's commuter routes - with our Traffic sectionLatest sport. The full article contains 321 words and appears in Sheffield Star newspaper.
